CLan Colquhoun: A fathomable history
In this section of the website, we do not profess or even pretend to be serious students of history. We have not gone to libraries, blown the dust off musty tomes, and done our own research. Here we are merely combining in one place a trove of Clan Colquhoun information we have read in various books, and on websites that are hopefully mostly accurate.
There will no doubt be times we won't be serious enough about some aspects of the sacred history of our storied clan to make all readers happy. For that we apologize, and say get a life. We can't even count on what was printed yesterday in the New York Times to be fact, so can we really count on all aspects of some sort of hand-me-down family legend to be fully accurate? We certainly hope that when someone writes the history of the modern era of Clan Colquhoun, they leave out some bad and greatly embellish the good - and we assume our ancestors were savvy enough to do so to protect and elevate the clan legend in times past.
It isn't like we are going to go so far as to hijack any of that sword in the stone mythology stuff. Although if we believed it would somehow entice Keira Knightley to a family reunion we might give it a shot.
There will no doubt be times we won't be serious enough about some aspects of the sacred history of our storied clan to make all readers happy. For that we apologize, and say get a life. We can't even count on what was printed yesterday in the New York Times to be fact, so can we really count on all aspects of some sort of hand-me-down family legend to be fully accurate? We certainly hope that when someone writes the history of the modern era of Clan Colquhoun, they leave out some bad and greatly embellish the good - and we assume our ancestors were savvy enough to do so to protect and elevate the clan legend in times past.
It isn't like we are going to go so far as to hijack any of that sword in the stone mythology stuff. Although if we believed it would somehow entice Keira Knightley to a family reunion we might give it a shot.
Not to impugn some writers of clan history, which of course means we are about to impugn some writers of clan history, but some of those vaunted students of history don't even seem to agree about the roots of the clan, much less the details along the way. If those experts can take editorial license, we surely can as well. We are after all only editorial writers by trade, not historians.
Thus forewarned, the following is a fathomable history of Clan Colquhoun, complete with some compelling and documented facts, such as they don't interfere with the storyline. If you have facts to argue, or a hopefully even more entertaining storyline to add, please post them to Caelen's Blog and we will weave them in here. With proper credit to the contributor, of course, unless you request anonymity.
Thus forewarned, the following is a fathomable history of Clan Colquhoun, complete with some compelling and documented facts, such as they don't interfere with the storyline. If you have facts to argue, or a hopefully even more entertaining storyline to add, please post them to Caelen's Blog and we will weave them in here. With proper credit to the contributor, of course, unless you request anonymity.
Clan Colquhoun's Scandinavian Roots
Aren't Vikings totally kick-ass cool? I mean, who wouldn't want to be a Viking? And Valhalla, with its endless supply of buxom, long-legged warrior women, endless cups of mead, endless days of fighting, and an endless number of lives to use again tomorrow, if you screw up and take a battle axe between the eyes today: Who wouldn't want that? Think of it as partying with the Baywatch gang when Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra were at their hottest, plus you get to carry a sword! Which would be good, just in case Dennis Rodman is still hanging around when you make a power move on Carmen.
In Valhalla you actually live through the overdoing of it all. It is sort of like that big-hair, 1980s heavy metal rocker who was pronounced dead of a drug overdose, then got up and walked out of the morgue and went back to the party and scared the hell out of his band mates because the coroner had already called and told them he was dead. Yeah, we are all in on Valhalla, and we are all in on Clan Colquhoun being part of it.
In reality there is a line of historical reasoning that says Clan Colquhoun is one of four Scottish clans descended from the Vikings, in our case a bit indirectly, by way of the Normans. We like it. We like it a lot. Based on how, where and when the mighty Norse traveled, battled and pillaged, including their settling in what is now Normandy, France, it is a history that could be spot on. So we are adopting it as fact and hereby stating the historical roots of Clan Colquhoun grew deep in Scandinavia long before they sprouted in Luss.
In Valhalla you actually live through the overdoing of it all. It is sort of like that big-hair, 1980s heavy metal rocker who was pronounced dead of a drug overdose, then got up and walked out of the morgue and went back to the party and scared the hell out of his band mates because the coroner had already called and told them he was dead. Yeah, we are all in on Valhalla, and we are all in on Clan Colquhoun being part of it.
In reality there is a line of historical reasoning that says Clan Colquhoun is one of four Scottish clans descended from the Vikings, in our case a bit indirectly, by way of the Normans. We like it. We like it a lot. Based on how, where and when the mighty Norse traveled, battled and pillaged, including their settling in what is now Normandy, France, it is a history that could be spot on. So we are adopting it as fact and hereby stating the historical roots of Clan Colquhoun grew deep in Scandinavia long before they sprouted in Luss.
Want to know a totally cool aside to this line of history? Caelen's Mom and Caelen's Dad were married in the heart of old Vikingdom: Reykjavik, Iceland. And they spent their wedding trip driving around the whole country of Iceland and taking in the entire Viking Sagas tour. If Clan Colquhoun's roots didn't spring from that place like the mythical mighty ash, why else would they have done this? They could have gone to an island that was actually warm in June, you know, where they could have worn swimsuits on the Summer Solstice, instead of watching the ice finally breaking up and flowing out of Jökulsárlón. Which is in southern Iceland, btw, so you can imagine what the northern part of the country was like on that trip. And they could have gone someplace where they - being vegetarians - would not have nearly starved for lack of food safely unrelated to blubber. If their trip was not ruled by the call of Viking DNA, what was it?
And if not for a strong Viking connection, why did Caelen's Dad grow up with two mighty ash trees anchoring the view at far edge of his backyard? They were the only ash trees in the entire neighborhood. For the first several years of his life he really did believe an ash tree held up the sun, the moon, the sky, and the stars. That was all he saw every time he looked out the kitchen window or walked out in the yard, so why not believe in the mythical ash tree known in Viking lore as Yggdrasil? Even at age eight, despite the best efforts by a bunch of bible school simpletons, he didn't buy into the idea of people sitting around in the clouds wearing robes and sandals. But the ash trees in the backyard, and the universe of life that revolved around them, that was all undeniably real. Score: pagan beliefs 1; modern religion, 0.
When you add it all together, as far as we are concerned, Clan Colquhoun's roots in general, and Caelen's in particular, trace to the Vikings - in spirit and hopefully somewhere in documented history.
And if not for a strong Viking connection, why did Caelen's Dad grow up with two mighty ash trees anchoring the view at far edge of his backyard? They were the only ash trees in the entire neighborhood. For the first several years of his life he really did believe an ash tree held up the sun, the moon, the sky, and the stars. That was all he saw every time he looked out the kitchen window or walked out in the yard, so why not believe in the mythical ash tree known in Viking lore as Yggdrasil? Even at age eight, despite the best efforts by a bunch of bible school simpletons, he didn't buy into the idea of people sitting around in the clouds wearing robes and sandals. But the ash trees in the backyard, and the universe of life that revolved around them, that was all undeniably real. Score: pagan beliefs 1; modern religion, 0.
When you add it all together, as far as we are concerned, Clan Colquhoun's roots in general, and Caelen's in particular, trace to the Vikings - in spirit and hopefully somewhere in documented history.
CLan Colquhoun in Scotland
We know for a fact that a random group of people became known as Clan Colquhoun and established quite the proud lineage in Scotland. That much everyone agrees on. As for how they got there, and how they became known as Colquhouns, probably the only way you could settle that would be to have a bunch of duels. To avoid killing off all the clan descendants in an argument over the clan ancestors, we're just going to list all the options here, and let you choose the one you like best. Same as we did with the Viking storyline. If you know something we don't - which is quite likely - or if you just want to write and say you have exclusive proof we came from outer space (which would be cool) please post your facts, theories, dogma or delusions to Caelen's Blog and we will archive them here.
So have you heard of the Caledonian Chieftain, Galgacus? And how is that for a seemingly harmless segue that you will suck you in before you realize, all to late, that it takes us from the realm of semi-practical modern thinking to the very far reaches of undocumented near-mythology that does indeed rival all that sword in the stone stuff?
Anyway, tradition has it that Galgacus led the Scottish forces against the Roman army led by Gnaeus Julius Agricola, at the Battle of Mons Graupius, in the Grampian Hills of Northern Scotland, somewhere around 80 to 84 A.D. Much better students of history than us have put forth a supposedly supported theory that the name of Galgacus later became translated into Galgahoun, and that ultimately morphed into Calhoun and Colquhoun. Seriously, we are not making this up. We are merely bowing to the superior knowledge of historians who are not bashful about letting us know how much more they know than do we editorial hacks.
That said, we hacks do know a bit about fact checking. Not to take sides, because we do not want to have to break out our mighty Claymore swords and hack limbs off of family members to settle arguments, but the "facts" on this one are slim. Real slim.
In fact (to blatantly overuse the word) the only historical source of these "facts" seems to be the Roman historian Tacitus, who wrote the book 'The Agricola' about the previously mentioned Roman general of the same name, who is by all accounts the father-in-law of Tacitus. Being jaded, suspicious editorial hacks, instead of high-minded professional historians, we are inclined to doubt the veracity of a book written by an author who is married to the subject's daughter, but maybe things were different back then and such conflicts of interest did not inspire any slanting of truths, however many there may be.
So have you heard of the Caledonian Chieftain, Galgacus? And how is that for a seemingly harmless segue that you will suck you in before you realize, all to late, that it takes us from the realm of semi-practical modern thinking to the very far reaches of undocumented near-mythology that does indeed rival all that sword in the stone stuff?
Anyway, tradition has it that Galgacus led the Scottish forces against the Roman army led by Gnaeus Julius Agricola, at the Battle of Mons Graupius, in the Grampian Hills of Northern Scotland, somewhere around 80 to 84 A.D. Much better students of history than us have put forth a supposedly supported theory that the name of Galgacus later became translated into Galgahoun, and that ultimately morphed into Calhoun and Colquhoun. Seriously, we are not making this up. We are merely bowing to the superior knowledge of historians who are not bashful about letting us know how much more they know than do we editorial hacks.
That said, we hacks do know a bit about fact checking. Not to take sides, because we do not want to have to break out our mighty Claymore swords and hack limbs off of family members to settle arguments, but the "facts" on this one are slim. Real slim.
In fact (to blatantly overuse the word) the only historical source of these "facts" seems to be the Roman historian Tacitus, who wrote the book 'The Agricola' about the previously mentioned Roman general of the same name, who is by all accounts the father-in-law of Tacitus. Being jaded, suspicious editorial hacks, instead of high-minded professional historians, we are inclined to doubt the veracity of a book written by an author who is married to the subject's daughter, but maybe things were different back then and such conflicts of interest did not inspire any slanting of truths, however many there may be.